why is that

2010-12-22T00:05:00.002+08:00

sometimes..

sometimes i feel....
haiz..
nevermind nevermind...

2010-11-29T22:05:00.002+08:00

i am feeling it, now.

[Intro - Spoken]
Yo, I can't sing it
I feel like singin'
I wanna fuckin' sing
Cuz I'm happy
Yeah, I'm happy
Ha Ha
I got my baby back
Yo, check it out
[Verse 1 - Sung]
Some days I sit, starin' out the window
Watchin' this world pass me by
Sometimes I think theres nothin' to live for
I almost break down and cry

Somtimes I think I'm crazy
I'm crazy, oh so crazy
Why am I here, am I just wasting my time?

But then I see my baby
Suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes
[Chorus]
Somtimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders
Everyone's leanin' on me
Cuz sometimes it feels like the world's almost over
But then she comes back to me
[Verse 2 - Sung]
My baby girl [Hailie laughs] keeps gettin' older
I watch her grow up with pride
People make jokes, cuz they don't understand me
They just don't see my real side

I act like shit don't phase me,
Inside it drives me crazy
My insecurities could eat me alive

But then I see my baby
Suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes
[Chorus]
[Verse 3 - Rapped]
Man, if I could sing, I'd keep singing this song to my daughter
If I could hit the notes, I'd blow something as long as my father
To show her how I feel about her, how proud I am that I got her
God, I'm a daddy, I'm so glad that her mum didn't abort
Now you probly get this picture from my public persona
That I'm a pistol-packing drug-addict who bags on his momma,
But I wanna just take this time out to be perfectly honest
Cuz there's a lot of shit I keep bottled that hurts deep inside o' my soul,
And just know that I grow colder the older I grow
This boulder on my shoulder gets heavy and harder to hold
And this load is like the weight of the world
And I think my neck is breaking should I just give up,
Or try to live up to these expectations?
Now look, I love my daughter more than life in itself,
But I got a wife that's determined to make my life livin'hell
But I handle it well, given the circumstances I'm dealt
So many chances, man, it's too bad, coulda had someone else
But the years that I've wasted are nothing to the tears that I've tasted
So here's what I'm facin':
3 felonies, 6 years of probation
I've went to jail for this woman, I've been to bat for this woman
I've taken bats to peoples backs, bent over backwards for this woman
Man, I shoulda seen it comin', why'd I stick my penis up in?
Woulda ripped the pre-nup up if I'd seen what she was fuckin'
But fuck it, it's over, there's no more reason to cry no more
I got my baby, baby the only lady that I adore, Hailie
So sayonara, try tomorra, nice to know ya
My baby's travelled back to the arms of her rightful owner
And suddenly it seems that my shoulder blades have just shifted
It's like the greatest gift you can get
The weight has been lifted

Now it don't feel like the world's on my shoulders
Everyone's leanin' on me
Cuz my baby know's that her daddy's a soldier
Nothin' can take her from me
[Outro - Spoken]
Woo!
I told you I can't sing.
Oh well, I tried
Hailie, 'member when I said
If you ever need anything, daddy will be right there?
Well guess what?
Daddy's here.
And I ain't goin'nowhere baby
I love you! (kiss)

2010-11-26T22:14:00.000+08:00

instead of chasing the paper 

Noone could feel how stressful i am lately.

Im not a show & tell kinda person, and i prefer to be quiet,

and stare blankly at the walls, but that doesnt mean my brain is dead.

my brain is always and constantly thinking.

but nothing is moving me.

haiz.

2010-11-11T22:03:00.000+08:00

its been awhile since i let this chamber of secret rot.
things had not been so well this past few weeks.

for me and girlfriend, things just go horribly wrong.
some advice would be like 'go for it', 'believe in yourself',
but these advice are just words and still we're the one
that has to make the decision and feel the pain or burden.

if you find my post boring or find me an emo shit.
i dont care, because this is where i pen down my negative thoughts, and
i only share my positiveness on photographs. if this bores you, you're invited to leave this very blog.

As i was saying, things just go horribly wrong, and that affect us both so much.
I don't wish to disclose it here or anywhere till i am ready to tell, because, i don't find it
fun to tell people whats been going on around my life.

Stress.
Everyone faces different type of stress in their daily lives, be it form work, home or even just sleeping.
I taught myself 1 thing that is important in life, that is How To Handle Stress. You see, stress is never ending
if we avoided it. The more you run, the more you compound. I face stress and that makes me a better man.
But what i am not now is am i facing stress?

I don't feel anything that is relevant in the symptoms of stress, but what i am feeling now is lost and confuse.
Why is that when i have things to type out but i can't and dont bare to just pen it down?

haiz.
i will end here.

2010-10-28T23:33:00.000+08:00

why is that part.forever

whenever i stepped in this goddamn house,

i will do a very nice routine for myself.

Go in the front door, head to kitchen to switch on light,

go room put all my stuffs down, grab my shirt and head for a nice cold bath.

in any occasion, if my routine is being delayed or stop.

i kill for this. 

i hate it whenever i came back home, SOMEBODY gota use the toilet.

when im not at home, why dont wana use. must make me a timeline to use the toilet before YOU go home?

ouh this is a classic. its hard for me to fall asleep at night, when i do, i will eventually accidentally be awoke at

let say 3am-ish. and by 6am i gota wake up for work etc. and you know what, at 5am/6am, theres always people come to my room and switch on the light.... to use what? to iron their fucking clothes!!

USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN DIMWIT!!

IM SLEEPING AND THERE YOU SHITS ARE IRONING YOUR CLOTHES?

IN MY ROOM?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK? YOU IDIOTS HAVE NO ROOM?

AND PLEASE DONT UNPLUG THE FAN SWITCH JUST FOR THE SAKE OF IRONING.

NEVER HEARD OF DOUBLE PLUGS BEFORE? FARTARD!!!!

AND THIS MORNING, I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF THE TOILET'S LIGHT HAS BLOW,

THERES ALWAYS CANDLES TO LIGHT UP THE TOILET. AND BY TAKING THE SHAMPOO FROM THE TOILET AND BRINGIN IT TO THE OTHER TOILET, THAT CAUSES ME INCONVENIENCE!!!! 

FUCKING INCONSIDERATE SHITHEADSS!!

ARGHHHH!!!

IM SO FUCKING MINDING MY BUSINESS.

GO FUCK YOUR OWN MONEY SHITHEADSS!!

WHY DONT I TRY IRON MY SHIRT IN YOUR ROOM WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING....

FUCKING NINABEI LIMPEH FUCK LAH!!

NO, IM NOT BEING A PUSHOVER OR WHATEVER.

PLEASE USE YOUR BRAIN. GOT YOUR OWN ROOM? USE YOURS.

2010-10-26T19:59:00.000+08:00

unwind

maybe its just me? 

fall sick yesterday and out of action from my scissors and paintbrush.

am i giving too much for work or i am stupid to work smart?

for what its worth, i find the job a definite thumbs up 'cept i hate some lady there.

so far i'm doing fine if you wana know.

just i need to juggle and use alot of my brain juice for every weeks.

i need to plan what to be put at the playroom for their manipulative activities,

sensorial, art&crafts etc....

yes it might sound easy, very easy to some of you. 

but mind you, kids are very playful and they wont refrain to destroy to get what they want...

so all my crafts/design must be fool-proof.

i need to come up another plan for my drapes....

 ------------------------------------------------------

usual knockoff time will be at 5pm, 

or when i feel like it at 530pm.

working at town seriously not a thing to be envy about.

whats more working at the end of town, Tanglin Rd.

Its quite a hassle to find local food, and seriously, besides some tasteless

and fuck up local food, there are always fast food rite?

beat it. can't expect to eat fast food for the whole month/year of working there right?

this is the only problem that i am facing now.

if eating a local dish cost above $5/+ and the taste is somewhat shitty.

i rather spend my $10 on Mcdonald's . . . . . . .

Heard the Tanglin Mall Kopitiam has reopen...

shall see how it goes.

If not i'm eating bread and air for lunch or worst, dinner as well.

i need sometime to unwind myself after a day's work.

don't ask me how, i don't know myself too.

tired.

2010-10-06T10:09:00.002+08:00

why is that...?
we told ourselves not to get influence in others' words,
we told ourselves we would not fall to others' words,
we told ourselves we have a mind of our own....


but some things change and the fact are due to the influence,
but we couldnt admit.




why is that??
why aren't there anymore passion..?
or am i just cold to see ?

2010-10-04T23:04:00.000+08:00

When somebody loved me,
Everything was beautiful. 
Every hour we spent together,
Lives within my heart.

And when she was sad, 
I was there to dry her tears,
And when she was happy so was I.
When she loved me.

Through the summer and the fall, 
We had each other that was all.
Just she and I together,
Like it was meant to be.

And when she was lonely,  
I was there to comfort her,
And I knew that she loved me.

So the years went by, 
I stayed the same.
But she began to drift away.
I was left alone.
Still I waited for the day,
When she'd say "I will always love you"

Lonely and forgotten, 
Never thought she'd look my way,
And she smiled at me and held me,
Just like she used to do.
Like she loved me, 
When she loved me.

When somebody loved me, 
Everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together,
Lives within my heart.
When she loved me.
 

2010-10-04T17:35:00.001+08:00

is the heart playing games?

why i get hurt over little things?

2010-10-03T11:35:00.001+08:00

everyone loves to live in a world where fantasy exist.

miracles and so much happily ever after.

however, i'm not the person who live by fantasies,

i have my own belief and i know 'love is everything'

is not everything in reality.

somehow i feel as though i am a very bad person,

and i have no space for them to stand in my shoes

and know exactly what i am thinking.

instead of talking of how i feel to anyone,

i pend them deep in my heart, and let it be gone,

no matter how hard it is for me to swallow,

i rather choke than spit.

because, i don't want other people to know how bad

the other party is if i told the whole story to others, no matter to who. 

we are still humans and always jump to conclusions without thinking.

no matter how clever or high our IQ is, we are still humans and bound to make mistakes.

lately, my mind is playing all the bad memories that i wished it would not had replayed.

lately i like to stare and just cry badly without anyone knowing it.

i feel theres so much weight on me with all the things happening.

lately, i would asked myself,

is this the battle that i want to stand victory,

are all the fights i had, worth every pain and tears,

is everything worth at all?

when the battle ends, who am i?

am i just the person who fought for the things that i believe in?

but it makes no different to others as it takes much more than that?

if anything would happen.
please forgive me.

thoughts end.

------------------------------------------------

i've send so many many many resume,

but only like 2 reply via email saying they will contact me if 

i am shortlisted. i need a job, a job so badly.

i want to support myself again, and definitely show my baby what i can do.

hope you could understand me what i'm going thru.

and yes, i understand and feel your pain.

love

2010-10-03T00:13:00.001+08:00

its my turn to be the envious one.

i never used to be the one who envy other's life,

but after all the obstacle i've been through,

i find my life just ain't getting better.

i always tell myself hope it gets better,

but hoping without trying is a different thing,

and trying without winning is another.

life's story is always about winning and never give up.

always to be strong and fight, step over the weak just to climb

for ourselves. and whats more, lifes too short.

as i sit and stare at the wall,

i saw my pass. how i struggle to become what i am now,

maybe its good or maybe its bad for others. whatever still,

i'm ashame of myself.

i ask myself why can't i love myself like how i love my bike,

like how i love my girlfriend.

everytime i fall in life, no matter how hard, i used to tell myself,

get up and fight and i live for no one.

but look how lifeless can i be now...

i can't find the happiness that i used to 'generate' myself just to cheer myself up.

i'm strugglin in my own life, its not about my job or career. its about my mix feelings and thoughts.

why can i just keep silent and not fight?

why must i keep everything inside?

is it for anyone or everyones' sake?

or just a precaution ?

i want to talk to someone all the feelings that i kept in me, the thoughts thats been pending,

and kept in me for only god knows how long.

 i dont want to talk to someone who can only answer me "thats life" 

i feel tired.

tired of myself.

love

2010-09-28T14:14:00.000+08:00

Flea

2010-09-20T17:16:00.001+08:00

30mins Practice. Part 2

I'm 'FEATURED' in their website !!

it was an AWESOME, i repeat, AWESOME 30mins Practice!

Having said with the new setup, which is more street and defintiely more lighter build,

i gota need more time to get used to it, but it seems, after 5mins of gettin on it today,

well...... let the picture below do the talking. :)and hopefully,

even after a tough or tired day at work next week or whenever, i hope to at least accomplish 30mins of practice. Never feel so alive before. the sudden to do better is just keep on going....

i feel young again....!

2010-09-16T13:13:00.000+08:00

SNEAK PEEK

the bike is ready and all is within budget.
not equip as much high end components like the orange,
but compare the weight between these two.....
you will be amazed. LoLx.
teehee..

heeee......
black white blue scheme for this Capital.
will released a complete photoshoot soon.
:)

2010-09-15T16:14:00.000+08:00

Lets Pretend

Let us pretend everything is all good,

Good food good looks comes with a loot,

Let us pretend that airplanes in the night skies are shooting stars,

We really need a wish right now for our own food.

Lets pretend, everything is never meant,

every thoughts that we pent,

never been heard or speak,

for we are just soul searching for the truth before we end.

Let us pretend, everything we knew is never meant,

high schools hourly paid job,

we cry silently everyday to the thoughts of being different.

The day we pick up our pen,

we journey to the knowledge fulled of bullshit,

every words heard or speak,

filled with hatred or politics, 

even in a dead creak......

2010-09-14T17:32:00.001+08:00

NSBIKES CAPITAL 2, 2009

Been so long ever since i've update my blog.

well.....

finally get a capital frame for myself.

i hope the frame rides well....

need few months to get the feeling.....

if not, i'm going back straight to where i came from...

like real.. LOL

and yup...

my little brother is the weighin scale.

since he can carry it, it means, its damn FUCKING LIGHT.

now all i need to do is to have balls of steel to whack that 180.

just suffered a Pedal slip! fuckin sucks!

took oout the picture that i use above.
now giving a few sneak peeks of the full bike!

2010-08-30T20:19:00.001+08:00

its so fuckin annoying

2010-08-18T21:09:00.001+08:00

Radja - Jujur (Honesty)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

is it so hard?

is it so hard to just make me feel important?

MORE important than your friend.

why can you just smile and start to go all over him
when i'm just beside you.

ASKHNDIJSANDI NSAC\SAD CASDASDC\ASASC

ASDC

A SDCAS DCASCASDCSA

AS DSA ASDCSA!!

argh. forget it.

ARGH!!

2010-08-18T09:57:00.002+08:00

theres nothing.

2010-08-17T23:51:00.002+08:00

Wishlist started..

Orchid Shoe - Cobra

Supra Footwear

Fox Gloves - Size XL

Pro-Tec Classic Helmet

Hope Pro 2 hubs. :)

heeee...

28th Aug, God will bless you guys many many!

2010-08-16T11:32:00.000+08:00

Too Phat Videos

Dua Dunia

Lirik:

feat. Siti Nurhaliza

Siti Nurhaliza : Kau selalu di hati , tidak ku dekati , dua dunia kita berbeza (2x)

Too Phat :
Cinta itu buta dan juga boleh membutakan
melukakan dan sukar untuk kita lupakan
Aku cinta padamu hanyalah ungkapan
luahan yang jarang bermakna bila diucapkan

Ini pula cerita cinta sang pujangga bukan arjuna sita
bukan cinta dan rangga
Mungkinkah khayalan akal mainan minda
Atau lamaran puitis , dengan hasrat yang indah

Kau selalu di hati (Kau selalu di hati) tidak ku dekati
sentiasa ada mata jahat yang memerhati
Tapi ku tak runsing tidak mungkin rindu
ku pusing lihat wajahmu di setiap penjuru

Senyuman di kaca kisah mu ku baca
Perjuangan kita sama duka mu ku rasa (Perjuangan kita sama duka mu ku rasa)
Aku pasrah saja pada yang Esa
Kerna ku tahu (Kerna ku tahu dua dunia) Dua dunia kita berbeza

Siti Nurhaliza: Kau selalu di hati , tidak ku dekati , dua dunia kita berbeza (2x)

Too Phat :
Suka di kala malam termimipi-mimpi (termimipi-mimpi)
Rindu di kala siang mencari-cari (mencari-cari)
Kasih sebenar tidak bertukar tidak sebentar
walau dipisah lautan direnangi gelora

Dan kadangkala hanyut bagaikan buah ara
malu sering bersua tapi jarang bersuara
Kenapa bercinta jika kesudahannya pasrah
Kerana bila dilamun indahnya tidak terkata

Tersimpan hasrat tiada siapa yang mengerti
Harapan menggunung sampai penghujung dinanti
Dipegangkan janji tetap ratu di hati
Dengan izin tuhan kan bersama kapan hari pasti

Sabar menanti Kesabaran diuji
Berdoa dalam sujud sejadah ditangisi
Aku pasrah saja pada yang Esa
Kerna ku tahu Dua dunia kita berbeza

Siti Nurhaliza : Kau selalu di hati , tidak ku dekati , dua dunia kita berbeza (2x)

Too Phat & Siti Nurhaliza :
Perjuangan seni kita tidak berpenghujung
Jangan tinggal batu bernama tak berpengunjung

Too Phat :
Cabaran menikam , kau tidak pernah bermurung
Tetap tersenyum walau kesedihan menyelubung (walau kesedihan menyelubung)
Bukan rupa paras mu yang jadi ukuran
Atau suaramu yang jadi bahan tuturan
Ku bukan mahu hubungan tapi kejujuran
Hadiah sepatah dari mu satu kesyukuran (satu kesyukuran)

Tapi bila bertentang mata tidak terbentang kata (Kata apa saja)
iya tapi tentang apa (iya tapi tentang apa)
Wajah mu yang cantik Manis lagi
Senyuman sepasti mentari timur tiap pagi

Realiti sukar diatasi
Tapi kesudahan indah harus bermula dengan fantasi (Fantasi)
Ku rasa terhoyong-hayang antara dua dunia (Antara dua dunia)
Biar khayalan ku melayang (Biar khayalan ku melayang)

Siti Nurhaliza : Kau selalu di hati , tidak ku dekati ,
dua dunia kita berbeza (4x)

Dua Dunia (English Ver, Million Miles)

Lyric:

Chorus( Siti Nurhaliza )

How love can ever be
Right before my eyes
Still a million miles away from me

Verse 1 ( Malique )

They say love is blind, I say it blinds you
Tempts you off your sanity, abide by mind rules
The truth behind the myth it lies in our reality
Love is just a four letter word that’s sung in melody
To complete formality, you hear it when the ballads breathe
Every couple wants to be the next Cleo and Anthony
Or Clyde and Bonnie, or Frank butler and Annie
Mumtaz and Shah, Gina Montana and Manny
But this ain’t no love epic, I’m just a hopeful skeptic
Mischievous thoughts made poetic now spit it on record
I’m not in love with cha, I’m just in love at cha
Distant admiration, link and spoil the whole picture
I betcha a mil, you dancin’ in a million minds
A million times you handshakin’ from a million miles
And put a million smiles, a million different stories
And how we diff a million miles is self explanatory

Chorus

Verse 2 ( Joe Flizzow )

I sing this lullaby, forbidden love sitting before my eyes
My heart is screaming although nobody can hear my cries
Wishing on a star as I look into the night
Say a little prayer only God can understand my plight
Glimpses of her sight, flashing in my mind
Although she near the distance seems like a million miles
Somebody told me once that patience is a virtue
And true love is worth waiting for although it might just hurt you
And if it comes right back, that means it’s truly destined
I promise to hold back the tears, never say never
And I know you thinking of me all through out your endeavours
And if its part of His plans, one day we’ll be together
A few things last forever, so I write this poem
A lot of times, you won’t miss it right until it’s gone
And though I soldier on, these feelings in my heart
Will never change ‘cos I loved you from the start

Chorus

Verse 3 ( Malique )

We seen a lot of come
We seen a lot of go
But we ain’t seen a lot of stars who got a lot of soul
And keep their feet to the ground
Despite a lot soul truly unforgettable like old Nat Cole
It ain’t even about your look your style is debonair
The voice that stuns the nation when it comes on air
Expectations of intimacy was never there
But it would be nice to swap a couple hellos with the funny stares
But you just smile dumbfound when you come around
But little hushes now silence is the perfect sound,
Or whether this is fun or play ya
Just holler at your boy a million miles away

Chorus

2010-08-11T06:44:00.001+08:00

Happy Advanced Birthday to ME!!

DARTMOOR PRODUCTS!!

HOLY MOLLYY!!

Dartmoor K-Drive hub

Dartmoor Raiders Rim

Dartmoor Fetisth 23t Sprocket 

Dartmoor Spokes, in Purple!

*EVIL SMILE*

heeee...

Dart...Mooooorrr! i want MOREEE!!

2010-08-07T22:45:00.000+08:00

i saw the amount of my pay at the ATM/iBanking, but i can't withdraw it due to the

processed need 1 more day. Now i afraid the 1more day equals to 1more WORKING day.

And yet again, my pay was delayed!! this is FUCKING BULLSHIT!!

I APPROACH AND ASK ABOUT MY PAY AND HE SAY HE NEED TO COUNT MY HOURS,

AND SO HE NEED 1 MORE DAY TO SETTLE IT. OKAY SO I GIVE TIME AND LET HIM TAKE 1 MORE DAY. AFTER THAT I APPROACH AGAIN, AND HE SAY HE GOING TO BANK IN LAST TUESDAY.

WEDNESDAY PASS AND HE DID NOT TURN UP AT OFFICE DUE HE NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE, AND JUST GOT TO KNOW HE JUST BANKED IN ON THURSDAY!

THIS SO FUCK UP!! SO FUCKING FUCK UP.

FUCK UP JOB, FUCK UP PAY DELAYED.... FUCKING FUCK BAD EXPERIENCE

WITH THIS COMPANY, OUTLOOK SO PROFESSIONAL, BUT ADMIN/WELFARE SO FUCK UP!! WORKING FOR 1 MONTH WITH ALL THE SHITS THEY GAVE AND I HAD TO DO SOME CONTRACTOR'S JOB, OR WHATEVER SHIT AND NOW MY PAY WAS DELAYED MORE THAN 1WEEK. AND DURING THAT PERIOD, I HAVEN EVEN SIGNED ANY EMPLOYMENT LETTER, I APPROACH THEM AND GIVE REASON THAT THE OTHER SIDE HAVEN GIVE THEM. WTF MEAN OTHER SIDE?!?!?!?!

I WOULD GO TO M.O.M FOR SURE IF I HAD THAT EMPLOYMENT LETTER!!

FUCK UP COMPANY!!!

2010-08-07T16:25:00.002+08:00

i realised,

i can't trust anyone nomore.

2010-08-07T12:55:00.000+08:00

what is the feeling that i am having now?

its abit mixture of hate, anger, sad, lost, confuse.

been trying to just be myself and forget everything.

but doing that is hard for me this time.

to just be alone and just stare at the walls and ceiling is my new hobby now.

this is the moment i wish i was in a concussion state.

is this what and how i want it that way?

why must i be so cold towards you....?

i told her it will be forever if she lose me.

its too painful for me to see you....

but i still miss you.

2010-08-06T09:01:00.002+08:00

Stacie Orrico - Stuck

I… can’t get out of bed today
Or get you off my mind
I just can’t seem to find a way
To leave the love behind

I ain’t tripping
I’m just missing you
You know what I’m saying
You know what I mean

You’ve kept me hanging from a string
While you make me cry
I’ve tried to give you everything
But you just give me lies

I ain’t tripping
I’m just missing you
You know what I’m saying
You know what I mean

Every now and then when I’m all alone
I’d be wishing that you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back but you never do
I feel like such a fool
There’s nothing I can do
I’m such a fool for you

I can’t take it
What am I waiting for?
I’m still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can’t fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can’t stop thinking of you
It’s true, I’m stuck on you

Now loves a broken record that’s been
Skipping in my head
I keep singing yesterday
Why we have to play these games we play

I ain’t tripping
I’m just missing you
You know what I’m saying
You know what I mean
Every now and then when I’m all alone
I’d be wishing that you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back but you never do
I feel like such a fool

I can’t take it
What am I waiting for?
I’m still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can’t fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can’t stop thinking of you
It’s true, I’m stuck on you

Every now and then when I’m all alone
I’d be wishing that you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back but you never do
I feel like such a fool
There’s nothing I can do
I’m such a fool for you

I can’t take it
What am I waiting for?
I’m still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can’t fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can’t stop thinking of you
I hate you but I love you
I can’t stop thinking of you
Don’t know what to do
I’m stuck on you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

why am i acting this way?

is it too painful for me to see?

for every steps i took now i feel the numbness,

thinkin whether for what its worth?

won't be able to be myself again,

wont be able to smile due to the pain,

i cant use my broken heart to heal my broken life.

i don't want to think this way, but maybe,

i am not for her at all. Everythings a mess now.

never wished to be caught up in any strings anymore.

till my scar heals, i think i will be very cold for everyone.

Now loves a broken record that’s been Skipping in my head 

i'm sorry if i can't be what you expect us to be after everything,

its just not me. i'm sorry if you have to lose me, i'm sorry if i initiated,

but i still wonder why your love faded for me.

i still think its not about marriage that causes these to happen,
as i believe we already spoken about this.
i hope theres no other man behind, to cause these,
if so, you should let me know and i will go.

why must this happen when we're flyin high?

i miss everything...

miss the way you open your arm and just fall in love with me.

i'm sorry
sobs
haiz~

2010-08-05T23:44:00.002+08:00

my lifes a mess.

read the title.

2010-08-05T19:40:00.001+08:00

FOTOLOGUE

visit the NEWER testing site:

recreatetheworld

portraits/events/people/nature

now all in fotologue.

not pretty sure whether its a good medium to use
it, but i gota collect more pictures.

2010-08-04T23:22:00.000+08:00

i realise, some guys start to flirt or show concern

unconditionally to a girl who had relationship problems.

i wonder what are their motive, do they want to be in the girl's

'Good Guy' list? 

When a girl have a boyfriend, the guy will msg the girl and show

concern in the messages and sound as tho he is her boyfriend.

i noe its just being FRIEND, why cant FRIEND show concern to a 

FRIEND. hah. Maybe he can't feel it of how the boyfriend feels,

maybe karma should be playin on them 1day and let them feel how it feels.

not sayin anyone here but through life experience and what i see from other people,

and what i read around, i find it weird and stupid of how it is.

if it was me, i seriously had open my eyes and realise if it is were me before.

hmmm...

i finally had give up my work.

had a fuckin bad experience of being a graphic designer @ that company.

totally a BAD one.

i shall start resting for few days and continue part time elsewhere.

no, they don't know what i'm facing at work. even other colleague

saw me doing this kind of 'shit' they had nothing to say.

life been so hard after i ORD,

everything change.

the life i used to have,

the changed in you,

my concussion,

and much more....

nothing seems to be more colorful as before.

2010-08-03T23:34:00.000+08:00

lost, gone.

June/July and Aug.

so many things been going around me within these 3 months.

even tho now its just the beginin of Aug, i can feel its gona be another

fuck up month.

sadly to say,

i am tired.

just tired of doing everything,

i just want to rest now, i don't want any holidays,

or any peaceful music, because now, the peacefulness doenst

feel home to me anymore.

i lost alot of interest in riding, designin and photography.

work never been better, and lost the motivation to strive anymore.

haiz.

i have a D300 with me, but i find it a chore to shoot now.

i have a desktop with good specs at work, but i find a chore to design now.

i got a my bike to maintain, but i find it a chore to just pump the tyres.

haiz.wonder whats the problem is.

2010-08-02T23:39:00.000+08:00

nothing.

always keep lookin forward to end work every single day.

after which, i would rush myself to get out from that patheticly-

always-need-help-around the office.

i don't give shit about OT anymore,

i never get paid for doing OTs, so why should i stay.

i more than happy if they fire me, go ahead and geta new

Graphic Designer, and see which idiot could last till that long.

its lucky i was wearing my old NS shoe so if it gets dirty i dont mind,

imagine if it was my NBs, i would definitely get mad and just leave the office like that.

and please, its been a month (since 30Jun) till now,

and what am i actually working for?

haven even sign-ed any document of me statin i'm working,

and they delay my pay because? reason due they can't count my hours.

got noone to blame, its just pure that they like to throw me everywhere and make

my hours complicated, give me unexplainable off days instead of a fixed off day.

make me work in every aspect of the office.

what a graphic designer doing drilling and unscrewin things?

i understand that the word HELP, and they want to HELP around.

so what do i get if i HELP around?

OT to HELP around, when i leave the office, they sure make a remark

saying out loud "YOU GOING BACK ALREADY UH?!"

like duh~

i got other job to finish and being the only designer there,

alot of people are findin for me for this and that.

even for CDs or MasterCopy of specific files also come to me,

this is being so stupid. I'm not you info-booth or a directory for you to

categorise me as "find zul to find my stuff" kinda thing.

this is gettin insane. want me to learn everything, throw me to every events/functions,

till i have no MRT back home, wake up next day for another crazy hours at work and what i get?

1st month pay got delayed.

so farking not worth.

i'm quiting soon i hope.

all happen in a short period of time.

friggin hate my life.

urgh.

2010-08-01T23:55:00.000+08:00

nobody knows...

i love you still,
but after what you've said,
i'm left with speechless lips.

if anything happens to me,
i hope you will be there for me,
maybe one day or some.

i wish to wake up from this nightmare,
its too scary and horrid for me to take it all alone.

2010-08-01T17:54:00.001+08:00

Broken Inside.

no place to go to dry my eyes.
my feelings that i hide,
the dreams that i can't find,
i'm losing my mind,
i'm fallin from grace,
i'm all over the place.

sobs.
someone please take my life away.
it aint meaningful anymore.
my dreams are all broken.

i felt it everyday,
i couldn't help myself.
what went wrong that day?

where do i belong now...
not in your arms anymore,
not in your heart for sure.

i'm too broken inside.
too broken to open my heart to see.

i'll be going away from you little by little,
i can't accept the pain and life of what is happenin now.
i'm lost inside.

i'll be gone without you knowin.
i can't stand the pain anymore.
sobs sobs sobs sobs

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead.
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything
That I wanted,(that I wanted)
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it

Why must we go?
i still want to see you,
see your beautiful smile everytime you see,
i want to feel your warmth when you hugg me,
i want to feel everything back.
sobs sobs sobs sobs sobs.

never did i thought this would happen to us.
sobs sobs sobs sobs sobs

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending in ( HQ ) & ( HD ) - More bloopers are a click away

Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone (Official Video) HD - The funniest home videos are here

2010-07-31T12:46:00.002+08:00

T.I. - Got Your Back ft. Keri Hilson

[T.I. Intro]
Shawty I know you be hearin' this and that from here and there
But please trust and believe momma
I see your gonna ride for me so I'm gonna die for you.
Is you with me?

(keri Hilson)
I got your back boy

(T.I.)
Well lets get it

[Chorus: Keri Hilson & T.I.]
When we're were high
When we're were low
When I promise I will never let you go
Said I got I got I got I got your back boy
I got I got I got I got your back boy
(I know you got my back right)
Keep my swagger
Keep it looking good for ya
Keep it looking hood for ya
Shawty if you don't know
I got I got I got I got your back boy

[T.I. Verse 1]
Hey it's whatever shawty
You aint gotta ask
Yes Valentino blouses, summer houses, cash, check!
You can get it you deserve it, flawless diamonds, Louie purses,
My mission's to purchase Earth for her
Present the gifts without the curse
Her pleasure is my purpose
Pleasure to be at your service
We front row at fashion shows as well as Sunday morning service
But better days or for worse
If I'm paid I'm hurting in my pocket
She still got a n-gga back thats for sure
No matter what may occur in life
Everyday with her is like a plus
I'mma love her till she be like thats enough
Pop a bottle get a couple wine glasses fill em up and lift em up
Let us toast to the future here's to us
No, here's to her

[Keri Hilson - Bridge]
They wonder how we do what we do
Panamera Porsches me and you
Stuck to your side like like like glue
Be by your side whatever you're going thru

[Chorus]
When we're were high
When we're were low
When I promise I will never let you go
Said I got I got I got I got your back boy
I got I got I got I got your back boy
(I know you got my back right)
Keep my swagger
Keep it looking good for ya
Keep it looking hood for ya
Shawty if you don't know
I got I got I got I got your back boy

[T.I. Verse 2]
This is for the women who man caught a sentence
Who gonna be there for a minute but they didn't keep their distance
They stayed home waiting on the phone
And on visit day show up looking good smelling better, playing kissy face
Just wanna let you know that we appreciate
Everything you do for us on a day to day
And I know we don't show you all the time but we lucky that you're ours
No bouquet of flowers could ever show how much we know we need you
We do all thats in our power just to please you
See boo, fuck them girls I would leave the World 'fore I leave you
Make God say even Eve and Adam ain't got shit on these two

[Bridge]
They wonder how we do what we do
Panamera Porsches me and you
Stuck to your side like like like glue
Be by your side whatever you're going thru

[Chorus]
When we're were high
When we're were low
When I promise I will never let you go
Said I got I got I got I got your back boy
I got I got I got I got your back boy
(I know you got my back right)
Keep my swagger
Keep it looking good for ya
Keep it looking hood for ya
Shawty if you don't know
I got I got I got I got your back boy

[T.I. Verse 3]
Sure enough
Even though them chicks be hating on us
Still I'm gonna keep her by my side
In whatever situation we gon ride
Make all my fantasie's come alive
Thats no lie now
I'll be alright just as long as you're beside me
10 million dollar mansions won't suffice
If you aint gon be in there with me at night
The pieces to the puzzle's in my life
With all of my good days and all of my bad
You stood by your man and you know you got my back
Worth every car every bag with me they wanna be that
I know what I got at home
I aint never gon leave that
Them bitches best believe that

[Chorus]
When we're were high
When we're were low
When I promise I will never let you go
Said I got I got I got I got your back boy
I got I got I got I got your back boy
(I know you got my back right)
Keep my swagger
Keep it looking good for ya
Keep it looking hood for ya
Shawty if you don't know
I got I got I got I got your back boy

------------------------------------------------------------

I know we don't show you all the time but we lucky that you're ours.

Chillin' with the guys had never felt so great, felt as though i am the mainstar

of the night. The guys saw me and asked hows my head and whether i'm feelin' alright.

The feelin of 'reuniting' with the rides do bring back memories.

but at the same time, i hope the memories in me never fade.

i can lose all the memories i had, but i don't want to lose any memories

of  being with the one i love so deeply :'(

i dont need the nicest shirt, shoes or watch.

i don't need expensive entertainment,

i don't need the world.

the world is you, the earth is you, the universe is you.

:'(

want to tell you everything about my day,
about the fall i had,
about the fun i had.

why do i still hopin?
why do i still hoping that my LED will be blinkin red?
why do i still hoping that things were like how they used to be.

the more we keep in silence, the further we go.
haiz. sobs.

why~

2010-07-29T22:30:00.000+08:00

"If concussions were made to pills, i'd pop them 3times a day"

i see my life, as it is now, and i am so angry towards myself.

the anguish that was buried inside were never known.

unknown of how it grew, unknown of how it was placed.

i guess its best for us to walk in different directions,

as the same path might be too narrow for us no matter

how we ought to.

its beautiful and interesting when we walked on the same narrow section,

but as years pass, we are affected by our own emotions, emotions of greed.

we want the convenience in walking freely, we just want to feel the freedom

and not the pulling of each others hand, but when we fall, we feel sorry for the person

that walked with us.

we pulled them back up and promise to try walked again the same path,

but we are not to be blame, its our very emotions as humans, that greed is just a middlename

i walked the same path with you, trying my very best to widen the path

for the both of us, but somehow, i keep fallin and trippin, and you could never see.

i blamed myself for even tryin to share with you, share the pain that we walked,

run, skip and fall. Because everytime we fall, we are mad at each other, instead of 

rubbin the wound.

we saved snapshots of the journey we took, the journey that was build with our

very own sweat and love. that snapshots become part of our lives, we grew stronger,

however, the strongest thing that ever build would collaspe eventually.

to who, i say this.

i walked home, knowing you will be there for me.

be there for me till the end of the day or the world.

i went to bed, wanting you to be,

to be beside me and listen to my day story.

i wake up in the morning, knowin the goodnight kiss

still lingers on my lips. 

as i close my eyes for the day, i wish to be awoken,

knowin you're still with me breathing.

to who, i love you.

2010-07-25T21:31:00.000+08:00

3rd Entry for the day.

sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian 

haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  haiz  

2010-07-25T21:03:00.000+08:00

@ Home

enough is enough.

i had enough.

ya i know i got into an accident blah blah blah....

please stop naggin about me gettin a friggin helmet!!!!

JUST STOP ALRIGHT!!

its not just easy to wear a helmet!

it blocks everything! don't get the picture?

YOU can't! cause you never do what i do.

ya i know smthing caring/concern.

but please. 

i don't want to hear it ANYMORE!!

so farkup life i have!

what type of shoes did god gave me!

ARGH!

2010-07-25T18:37:00.000+08:00

@ Work

around half an hour more its time for me to knock off from work.

i'm feelin so sick now. 

suffer from HOLY CRAP PAIN headache when reach the office and numbness

on both side of my head.

After lunch it was pretty back to normal but still the pain at the back of my head still hurts.

and now status updates...

feel like vomittin and deffinitely nausea and my world is spinning......

omg. i feel so lost without riding.

haiz. no matter how hard i want to stop riding,

i can't. Why? 

2010-07-24T23:50:00.000+08:00

Everyday

a sigh and a haiz.

for every single day.

theres nothing much to look forward anymore.

guess everything just change for the better or worst,

i practically have no idea.

and a sigh and a haiz to end the night.

2010-07-23T23:36:00.000+08:00

Memories

i have a taste of memory lost 2days ago.

till now i am pretty not sure of what had happen to me.

the feelings of it was somehow relaxing,

to tell the truth i like the feeling, i know

it is a bad thing to lose your memories.

but listen to what i have to say....

As we are unable to recall what had happen

to ourselve in that kind of state that we are in,

everything turns to fast pace. Everything move

very fast, time past very fast and it like we are in

a 'video-mode' in fast forward, play, and next scene/chapter.

If you ask me, i can barely tell what had happen in the hospital

from the minute i register and when i was at the ward.

All i know and remember that my head hurts ouh so badly.

I've tried so hard to remember what had happen but no matter

how hard i try, no images or preview is there to make me remember.

Its just completely gone.

i can't remember of what problems i had or anything.

its just so peaceful and blank and as if theres nothing to worry.

i am glad that i am fine today and some of the memories are coming back to me

pretty slowly. and thank god that nothing serious happen to me.

this is my 1st time experiencin this kind of incident and i need lots of support

from the people i know and the people that i am closest with.

i dont need jokes that mocks my stupidity.

i hate that. they never try what i like to do so shut it.

thanks girlfriend/friends for understandin me for what i like to do.

giving me a 'take care' approach and 'dont ride till you're well' kinda remarks.

thanks!

not like some people who mocks and say...

"YOU SEE LAH, YOU KNOW WHY? COZ NEVER WEAR HELMET.

EVEN THE PROS WEAR HELMET"

give me the cash. instead of talking.

2010-07-22T21:50:00.000+08:00

Head Injury

21st July 2010. TTSH

i seriously have no idea what had happened.

i can remember by far that i end work early as theres

noone in the office and i have no design and with alot of hours to clear.

So boss gave me the green light to go home.

After which dad pick me up outside the workplace and zoom back home.

Stayed home for few hours before making a move to ride @ Bishan Skatepark (Harmony Park).

Saw a few bmx-ers there but which i dont really ride with and we dont really contact

for rides. I shall stop typing. it will force me to think and it hurts if i start to think what

happen.

:(

girlfriend given me the redlight for riding.

till i get my helmet and recovery from this.

sorry to cause anyone/everyone for the shockin news cause.

thanks for being there people.

2010-07-21T00:46:00.001+08:00

Midnight Entry

i went over to the nearest coffeeshop for lunch from where i was working.

it was a bright sunny day but grey clouds soon took over the blue skies.

i sat for my meal, an Indian Chicken rice with a Herbal tea for my drink.

Being a big guy, i couldn't finish either the rice or the chicken, and halfway

through my meal, it started, a heavy downpour just beside where i was sitting.

i lost my appetite completely before i could.
i sat, i sat awhile more, just to get out from the office stress.

my mobile was beside me, but it was silent completely, no calls,

or even any text from anyone.

it was back in the office and tonnes of work i got to do,

multiple files of images i have to edit and re-edit.

My desk alone have 2 laptops and my own desktop,

whats next could be on my desk.

Nothing beats a msg sayin "How are you?" or "What are you doing?"

just to pause ourselves from the hectic world we're in.

i keep looking @ my phone's LED, to see if it is 'RED' to notify me

is there any msgs or any miss calls.

i feel, now, times has change and i like to just listen

instead of talking. i prefer talking and asking myself

doubts about myself.

i walked alone after alightin the bus, dark, breezy night amongst me.

the silence of the place serenates me, with all the thoughts in my mind.

As i walked above the bridge, i pause and look down the road, and,

thought to myself. Isnt it great to be higher from everything. Even the devil

in me playin the musicof tellin me, the 'what if' . . . . .

'what if' one day, i dissapear from everything, without knowin where

or why, who or when. 'What if' anything bad happen to me, will that

change the way people treat and look at me? 'What if' one day, i gave up,

i gave up my whole entire life. and if so..... what if.

if only i can dont see myself, or be myself, then i ought

to miss or love myself more, because seein myself

in this state, makes me more frustrated and look down on myself.

haiz. sobs.

i shall end my entry here.

sobs. 

2010-07-19T22:50:00.001+08:00

Sorrow

woke up today with a slight fever and such a bad flu,

and also didn't realize i have a swollen left eyebag, its like

those as though i've been punch on the eye.

it was boring staying home,

i could only remember i fall asleep after

taking the fever medicine and wake up feeling abit better.

But due to the so called 'pimple ' at the back of my head,

my head felt so heavy and keep hurting till now.

'pimple' start to grow at the back of my head only when

i used my brain abit too much. Too much of thinking and stress will lead to this.

haiz.

i feel i lost my motivation again.

lost my touch on photography,

designin and perspective.

haiz.

feel like talkin' to someone,

but i don't find theres any use for it at all.

feel like its the end of my life every single night.
feel as though i lost my whole life.
feel as though i lost the most valuable thing in me.
feel as though theres nothing much to see in the future.
holdin on, always, but to what, i don't even know.
hangin on, to what, i don't know.
all i can say i will fall hard and not able to get up nomore.
something is bothering me, alot.
but i can't put it in words anymore.

smile and laughters are mundane to me.
riding and gatherins are mono to me.
photographs and designs are unleveled curves now.
sigh.

i should just keep quiet and be myself.

2010-07-18T10:07:00.000+08:00

Frames.
ahh~

two4Player or Santa Cruz Jackal.

two4player a 2010 version.

Santa Cruz Jackal 2008 version.

hmmmm......

2010-07-18T00:54:00.000+08:00

because you see, we as humans, been fighting all this while for what we know as

to get what we want than needs. We tend to forget our responsibility to chase that

dream of ours, plain selfishness and arrogance do step in.

We always see things are not goin to what we predicted.

We walked, but too slow for the time we're in now.

We run, to chase our dreams, but we tend to trip over the smallest

obstacle in life.

We tell ourself, to bring ourself up and continue running, no matter how

bad we are, just to chase that dream.

because again, you see, in our life, we are always running,

running away from everything.

We chase what we want and not what we need.

We need what we want, and we want what we need.

Take a deep breath, and ask yourself.....

What are we fighting for?

2010-07-16T10:51:00.000+08:00

160mm Rotor!

Got it from Sandeep yesterday, 

pretty last minute, shall see how my bike run with brakes,

now after installing the disc, my hubs have a *thud* sound

every round it spins, but my wheel still spin smoothly, wonder why.!

work @ 2pm later!

2010-07-15T12:07:00.000+08:00

@ 2pm.

Work starts at 2pm for me today as i got a few hours to clear.

It was a good thing as start @ 2pm and ends at 8pm.

But today they still wants me to learn printing again.

Basically how to operate the printer, yea, the huge printer beside my office table.

I'm going to strain my eyes again on the comp to see the 'differences' in the pictures.

Still can't get over what happened at work yesterday, its not as easy as it seems to just

forget. i put my heart and sweat on photography but it is still not 'there' yet.

It is so much harder than taking shots outside.

Ima work totally hard on that, hopefully able to setup a studio in my room,

as i already go the white cloth, but i think i need a place to hand it somewhere,

and model wise, brother, girlfriend or anybody in the house can do it.

i remember before work ended yesterday, i met up with a lady who keeps talking about her Uni

kid who has so much talent bla bla blah.... and she shows the work that the kid made.

i was speechless....

.................

2010-07-14T23:27:00.000+08:00

Photographer.

i love being one,

taking pictures of that perfect smile.

But somehow, after being a photographer for today @ NTU.

i somehow feel that i should just forget everything that i know about photography.

Whats so hard about taking pictures right?

Maybe my way of taking pictures and the way i express myself in pictures are not

as what they expected.

I took a few shots today and my colleaguea keep saying its too high, its too low,
keep saying that and i feel as though i would just want to take the bloody D3 and throw on his face.

It is fo' sure difficult to take pictures with so little capabilities, where everything is just fixed.

Fixed lighting, fixed object etc. 

Maybe stage photographing is not my type, but somehow, those who WANTS to be a photographer

need to know the basics of this. Even i myself had a hard time trying to take the perfect shot over and over again.

i told myself that this is an opportunity that i longed for so long,

but why am i backing out now.

Its sure looks very very easy to just snap snap snap.

but it isnt. 

i feel so dissapointed of myself.

i need that white cloth to make my room as a mini studio.

just to practice.

Its totally not about the camera.

Its the skills that matters.

And i totally need more, to practice.

2010-07-13T12:11:00.001+08:00

NUS

Finally,
the event is over, oh my god.
it is toooo torturing to stay there for 12hours, for 3sessions of ceremony every singleday.
1st session with over 400 stage photos to print, over 100 candids to print. Multiply that
to the whole week of me working. Okay, you guys do the maths.

Oh, heard of NTU?
Now ima be the photographer at there like tomorrow.
i feel as though i am a multi purpose designer kinda guy.
Graphic Designer, Printer Operator, Photographer.

But look at the positive side, i get to learn as much as i can about
designing related. know design, know printing. know printing, know colors printout.
Able to spot any error or color that is not right like, too much yellow, or too much magenta.

i hope tomorrow will be a great day @ NTU.
hmmm...

2010-07-04T23:27:00.000+08:00

The Way - Clay Aiken

There's something 'bout the way you look tonight
There's something 'bout the way that
I can't take my eyes off you
There's something 'bout the way your lips invite
Maybe it's the way that
I get nervous when you're around
And I want you to be mine
And if you need a reason why...

(Chorus:)
It's in the way that you move me
And the way that you tease me
The way that I want you tonight
It's in the way that you hold me
And the way that you know me
And when I can't find the right words to say
You feel it in the way

Oh, oh
You feel it in the way

There's something 'bout how you stay on my mind
There's something 'bout the way that
I whisper your name when I'm asleep, oh girl
Maybe it's the look you get in your eyes
Oh, baby, it's the way that
It makes me feel to see you smile
And the reasons, they may change
But what I'm feeling stays the same

(Repeat chorus)

Oh, oh
You feel it in the way

(Bridge:)
I can't put my fingers on
Just what it is
That makes me love you
You know, baby
So don't ask me to describe
I get all choked up inside
Just thinking 'bout the way

(Repeat chorus)

It's in the way that you move me
And the way that you tease me
The way
You feel it in the way

There's something 'bout the way you look tonight
There's nothing more to say than
I feel it in the way

-----------------------
I miss you so much.
Never had missed you this way.
All I want is you.

Forgive me for what I had done,
Your silence is punishing me,
torturing me deep inside.
I can't bare the pain anymore.
=..(

I'm not able to let a day by,
without thinking about you everynight.
As hard as rock I am,
I am soft inside for you,
are the only one I wished I had.

I love to see you smile.
I love to see you laugh.
Don't take those away from me.

What are we fighting about?
I can't remember. I don't want to.
I want us to be together, for as long
as forever.

I'm sorry if I control you in the past.
Maybe that's how I show my care.
I just don't want anything to happen to you.
I guess I'm wrong.

I miss the way you hold my hand,
miss the way you would just bite my fingers
for fun.

I miss the way you hug me tight,
when we are going our own way.

I miss the way you would kiss me out of
no reason.

I miss the way you call me 'lau gong',
every morning.
Miss the way we used to cuddle to sleep.

I miss everything about you.
Things may change, but my love for you, remains.
=..(

I need you more than I ever would have thought.
I need you by my side.
I need you to keep me moving.

I regret for all the actions that cause
us to be in this way, My foolishness and selfless self.

I always think I would never lose you.
I always think nothing could be in between us.

I cry so bad one night, remember?
When we were asleep, I had a terrible nightmare,
a nightmare that I'm goin to lose you.
I hope that nightmare would not haunt me,
but it's happening.

I'm.....so....sorry.
=..( sobs

what can I do to make u love me once more?
Sobs sobs =..(

why can or should i do?
I'm lost. Lost in your silence.
Don't do this to me anymore.
I can't take it.

It's too hard for me to breathe.
You know what I would do when I'm this way right?
Please.

I can't find the right words to say anything to you.
All I know is I love and miss you so much.
Sobs.

Laupo, wo ai ni hen duo.
=..(
<3

2010-07-02T22:43:00.000+08:00

Definitely tired.

For the past working days that i am in the company,

i've tried giving them y best to learn in everything,

and they really teach me EVERYTHING.

Okay, so sometime you asked yourself,

that your jobscope does not meet what you're doing now.

I always get that alot,

i work as a Designer in my company,

and what am i doing outside on events?

I got to learn how to operate the large printers,
setup the event booth, the Macs the Backdrop etc.

See basically theres a lot of things that is related to being a Designer,

and being a Designer does not mean you sit, and stare, eat, sleep on edittin softwares.

There more to that.

Today i had my 1st 'un-baggin' of a Nikon DSLR.

My photographer told me to take his camera as he need to head back to office,

to bring some stuffs back at NUS.

Me being alone there, and i heard 'camera' in bag and i waste no time,

i was shock.

In that bag, was a Nikon, D3 !!!!!

specs here >> http://www.nikon.com.sg/productitem.php?pid=1188-8966d4695b

But as soon i want to take some pictures, other staffs already

reach my booth and we gota set it up.

5th July, Monday, will be the 1st day of NUS commencement/convocation.

15th, July is the END date.

10days of stoning at NUS, doing the same thing over and over again.

Print print print print print print print print. 

After the event @ NUS,

i gota head back to office to edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit.....

OMG! 

10days!

100+++ of photos!

Hours++ of editing!

OMG.

and for last few days straight,

been sleepin at 3am every single day and wake up at 8am.

5hours of sleep.

Never had hard time sleepin when i was in NS.

is it because of the shift work thats why i am able to sleep?

Or just something else that is bothering me..?

workaholic, for now.

2010-07-02T00:06:00.000+08:00

2nd Day.

Reached early for way, and it was pretty early.

Work starts at 10am but i reach at 935am?

So i so call explore the back of the building to find a coffeeshop,

for me to sit and drink before the office opens, but to what i found,

the coffeeshop is freaking like 2 blocks away!

Got myself a 'teh' and sit and stare at the people,

bunch of happy people i say. i hope so.

So i made my way back to office and woah.

i'm the 1st designer there, ouh wait, i'm the ONLY designer working there.

-.- how pathetic.

Practically, again, sat there do nothing and went i want to brush up my skills on 

Photoshop, my computer been taken away..... just only went i want to get used to Windows7 OS.

so i was like dotssssss.... and next week the NTU having graduation if i'm not wrong, and they need me.
OMG, events =  photos taken = MORE job for me = STRESS = OMG!!
and at about 5pm just now, i got my 1st design to do.

was excited but was so dissapointed as they want me to do a mock up.

okay sure i can do a mockup, but mockup of what. mockup for what,
mockup for what backdrop? so i was cluesless, and all they told me was some backdrop

that i used to see at the NUS on my 1st day of work. OKay.. so while i was doing, i asked them again,
and i receive same answer, i got fed up, go straight to the company's mistress and ask. and i got the bloody answer!! PHEW!!! so easy. She herself cant get what she wants as the Boss is not in, but after talking to her,

i get to know what to do and by 730pm i am done with 2 mockup and i nearly forget that Pete is already outside waiting for me. geez.

Sorry, i'm hardworking all of a sudden.

Laughs!

argh, its 12am now, gota head for bed.

work tmr.
damn, what should i wear tmr.

2010-06-30T23:34:00.004+08:00

1st Day

1st day at RafflesStudio was exhausted.

Head to ToaPayoh North (Braddell Rd)

as there is where my company does all the printing,

but as soon we gota head to NUS to bring back

the used backdrop etc. It was my 1st time at NUS,

and frankly, it was huge.

After packing and some elbow sweat from the labour work,
lifting and wrapping, unscrewing, loading and unloading etc,
we head back to Toa Payoh to unload the stuffs and after that i head for lunch.

I am still sweating and honestly, the spiciness of the food there makes it worst,

i was so hungry and thirsty and none of it helps.

Head back to the main office at Lavender,
and start to help and look around the company as it was my 1st day,
i got nuts to do. Went about asking the so call incharge as what i can do, and he say
for me to hang around 1st and get to know what to do.

So which i did, and my brain system broke down.
Somehow i wish to be as good as the girl that taught me
stuffs that needed to be done, but somehow, can see her job,
is so much demanding as everyone is asking her this and that,
in short, if she leaves the company, the whole company will just collaspe,
ouh, did i say shes leaving? Yesh. the one who taught me in 2hrs, gona leave all her
job to me, and i only get to learn and memories what to do in 2hrs where her experience
is 3years.

Pretty tough heh,
i thought i would try work hard for it as this might be what i want,
maybe try to hold on as this is my 1st day @ work.

But theres alot of things in my heart and mind,
that makes me want to give up at the very moment in the office,
to just stand up, get out from the office and get lost in time.
To just sit by the pavement, or just wander about and wonder,
wonder and wander my life away. 

To see how my life would be if ever something happen.
Would i end up like before or thereafter, would i be deceased
in the heart, cold as ice and heartless as ripper.
I can't work with this type of emotion,
where the emotion is stronger than my will.

i can't sleep nomore.
i would wake up at 3am, 5am.
and will feel sleepy at 7am.
haiz.

whats happening to me.
nothing helps.

i wish to go for a drink now.
enjoy? this is how i used to enjoy when i am sad and broken.
i don't want to be that way anymore.
it was all behind me.

some words can be erase and forgotten,
but if its faded, theres a story behind
a tainted wall.

but somehow, things happen for a reason

and i have no reason to be.

haiz. =.(

haiz haiz haiz haiz haiz haiz haiz haiz
i'm giving up in life.
theres nothing to look for.
theres nothing to fight for.
there nothing worth for.
theres nothing to smile for.
theres nothing, for me, to gaze upon.
i might be the one chasing a handful of dreams,
but the handful of dreams, that i dreamt,
need someone to share with within.

2010-06-29T22:57:00.000+08:00

Been not myself lately,

misplaced things, forget to do this even for 

a second that i remember, i stumble on my words,
i fall out of speech.

Dont know whats gettin on me,
i hope it won't affect my work,
but i bet it will till everything is settle.

i'm so suffocating now, need someone to talk to.
but who and how.

sigh.

sobs

2010-06-29T22:52:00.001+08:00

[ i still feel lost. ]

..........

2010-06-29T22:31:00.002+08:00

i wish i was superman with a wing on my back.

I don't know what is the feeling that is in me now,

come to think of it i don't think that it is a feeling but more

of a thought that i kept thinking.

Alot of things change in me but maybe myself

can't seem to see what had change terribly in the head, body

and inner self that contains every emotion in myself.

I feel nervous, at the very edge of breaking down with alot

of stuffs in my head and now i got another opportunity to excel,

but with alot of thoughts still kept in my head and i am unsure

what i want or what to expect in the future that holds alot.

I wish to get resuscitate from the feeling of being suffocate,
Get revive by the person i love to pull me up through,

the night and be there when there is not even a single light,
for me to see, be the legs to my table and the keys to my gate.

I want to be the person opening the door,
having you rush, to lure me through the heart,
feel your heartbeat on every beat being with me,
for me to love you in every way i could before

 i finally admit defeat.

i believe i have the very reason to act,
for the way i am now, for not able to see
the bird's eye view in perspectives that varies.

I won't get any other chance these far,
seeing you leaving through the window,
makes me feel i lost the only wings i had,
i wish i am superman with wings to fly,
to you the only one i used to had.

sigh.

2010-06-29T12:55:00.000+08:00

Told girlfriend that i have decided to let go this Orange,

and not to ask me why.

But now, i ask myself why.

i have great wheels that wont bend or dent easily.

i have great crankset that doesnt creaks like how i use to have on

my old bikes,

i have great tires to withold impacts,

i have great bars, stem and grip combo.

but again, i asked myself why.

:(

noone could understand why either.

2010-06-28T23:54:00.000+08:00

Interview

Interview went great, and what's better?

I got the job!! They called me back and want

me to start work this coming Wednesday.

Apply for a Graphic Designer in JobCentral, but frankly,

i have no memories sending any resume to the company that

i'm working for.

But now, i don't care.

I hope i could stay long and definitely want to learn alot

in the company as there are 2 things that the company

is doing that interest me. Want to know whats that?? HAh!

None other than....

Designing and Photography.

OKay okay, i shall stop right here as i don't want to

say all the good stuffs and in the end i hate the job.

All i want is to work and hope for the best.

No high expectation on the job or company,

but i hope i have the high expectation for me to excel.

RafflesStudio. Go google it.

Heeeee!!

and see the watch above?

I'm getting the Green one, and Pink for girlfriend!

lolx.

Happy 26th Month Anny baobei!!!

2010-06-24T12:34:00.000+08:00

why i feel no matter what i did now it doesnt help.
i guess its already time for expired.
sigh.

it's not like this i used to remember.
there used to be a sunshine after everything.
but now, rainclouds stay above our heads,
even the land is dry, the dew is still in our feet.

haiz.

2010-06-23T23:45:00.003+08:00

From what i see, some things are gone
even before it started.

Its like a drama series on the local television aired everyday.
I can predict of believe to feel how it will goes by one very day.
Maybe its written for my fate to be like this.

If i'm wrong in judgin, please show me.
Or maybe its the feelings in the mind playing with me.

No longer using the twitter anymore.
No point as i don't like to let people know
what i'm feeling unless they can help me with it.

If this blog making me exhausted, i'l just delete it.
If the heart still beats, well, i shall see if it does.

i'm not gona start a war here anymore.
too many civilians walking aroung and this thick
concrete walls have ears and eyes.

but if its necessary...
i won't oblige.

till then, i shall keep in silence
and let people talked about me.
anything about me, because,
no matter how hard i try,
NOT even one out there,
able to see for who i am.

i've heard most of my negative sides far too many.
don't i have a heart too?
i have feelings too in this thick skin of mine.
i bleed too if been cut,
i cry too if it hurts,
i feel tired too if i'm exhausted.

so whats the difference?
easy.

because i can't make you feel of how you want to feel.
theres a reason i stayed up till now to type this entry.

or either way, i don't blame you that read my blog or anybody else.
as the reason is simple.

me.
i don't understand this.
i get angry over that,
i'm too sensitive over this,
i'm not thinkin over that.

anything else that fits my description.
i think if i was in a part of a Dictionary,
all the bad words, will be under ' Z '

why?
because i am always bad.
end.

2010-06-23T18:51:00.000+08:00

at times, reality could wake us up from the deepest sleep ever.
we try to toss around in bed, still finding the dreams that we wake up from.
its not only reality that at times hit us.

when we feel it, we felt hard, like a train hit us in the head.
we drop dead silent as we could only spit anger over what happened.

in life, we can't blame anyone for our misfortune,
but like i said in previous post in knowin who we are, who are they.

promises are always been made or broken.
promises are words of fake now.
promises are words of evil that bring us up to heaven,
and drop us in hell.

sometimes, we, have a hard time to trust a person in life.
and when trust is given fully, we tend to forget till its too late,
because trust too, like promise, are meant to be broken,
as it could be break by just the slightest wind that blows.

we put our life in trust and promises,
but we are always not prepare to what come next.
next thing you know, we are the only one left in our own world.
still searching for the lost promise that we once heard.

and at times of misfortune falls on us,
we stop and think of whats good for us,
without realising what we been through
before the misfortune happens.

for me, everything is lost from yesterday.

2010-06-23T13:14:00.001+08:00

how much we give, its never be seen,
how much we receive, always been deceived.

staying sane is not the only thing to keep us alive.
being sane is another thing we need, to keep us alive.

when something out of extraordinaire happen,
we felt betrayed and lost for direction.

and at that moment, you will realise,
who are you, and who are they.

i'm not sure how long i can keep this up

2010-06-22T11:04:00.001+08:00

Back in 2007

Blog hopping on my links and i stumble across a old pictures of me and my friends riding.
Here only shows me and my bike. The yellow Haro X3 Extreme is my 1st ever Full Sus bike
that i whack on everythin, trails, jumps, street, good frame but farkup parts,

When i started to work, upgrade to the White bike, Dabomb XLR8, a hardtail, more responsive,
agile and definitely bomb proof. whacked, jump. i remember the bike when up the ramp without me and the bike when up to the sky and drop down to ground. and still, bike in 1 piece. Those were the days.

Link to the site back in 2007 been added.
;)

haiz

2010-06-21T20:37:00.000+08:00

Trying to get out.
(Limited Edition Entry)

I lay down on the bed, staring up high on the ceilings and low on the walls,
took a deep breath of relieve or sigh of suffocation.

Just to reminisce all the past events or happenings that came through my life.
Life can be very hard for some, but for me, its been hard for sure.
Let me tell you a little story of mine, that which i would like it to stay as a
life's lesson for me, for a brand new me ever.

I struggle hard in academic but still i could only eat the smells
of the results which i thought i could deserves, left my bestfriend of 6years after PSLE,
as she went to Pierce Secondary and i moved on to Yio Chu Kang Sec,
There i see/saw/ feel how people treat US people differently, as though we're part
humanm part creature. I felt as a mutant in there strugglin to fit in.

But perseverance and moral builds in, confident burns for more as i got into the
Leadership program such as Student Councils & part of the Sports Leaders and get to know
alot of people whom i call friends and foes.

Brother/Sister hood were breed there naturally till now we're still as one,
but not sure about my 'Sister's' hood as we lost contact and people do change for better i hope.

It was fun to know and reflect what you will do for the person you like, and as written,
like is far different as love. It was Like at 1st sigh as i think its in me for fallin in like for a girl
who have fairness in their complexion. Tried to be her guy in those yearsm *LAUGHS* .
How funny can our younger be when we try to remember all the cute/stupid stuffs that hormones
did to us.

Live 4years ,happily honoured to be studying in there, ended my 'N' Level and walked out missing
the Great teachers who never gave up on me, to name a few, Mr Siva, Mdm Raudzah, and Mr Sng.

Continued life as a student in Digital Media Design and am proud to be the 1st batch of students,
been definitely through alot of ups and downs and lots of fake friendship around. But somehow,
i pulled through and cliques as close as brothers and sisters which i took 1 to be my own.

That struck to be my life as i could imagine, was head over heels over her, but somehow due to some
issues, our r/s had to be broken, and honestly, never felt as heartbroken as that before in my life as it was my 1st. I suffer from sadness to hatred more and family issues aint helping either so does everything.
i lock my heart, lock myself to cold turkey treatment for my heart and cries everytime i thought about her.
Till a day i realise what she did to me was not for me to think anymore as took it as a sweet dreams that wont last, i wont look back. But sometime the feelings and politics of the streets makes you think and feels
of why did it must happened to me in this life. Me, am i not good enough.

Soon enough i realise its not me who is not good enough, it might be her who isn't. I took a job at a spa as a General Worker to earn myself a living and to feed myself a decent meals and also it might helps to forget whatever shits that had happened. Heart was healed, but the cracked is still visible for me to feel. Almost gave up on my life that very day, and when things got worst, family issues again crops up. Mum doesnt know what i'm facing, and she blames me for everything that went wrong in the house. Dad was never around at home as he is working every night.

It took me few years to forget what had happened, the right words are not to forget what had happened as
i could remmeber till now how bittersweet it goes, but to let past happen as it is.

Graduated with the GPA i never though i could get, was high for me, but sadly was low for Polys.
Was so desperate and devastated, i thought to myself, i had nothing else as theres no schools for me to go to and Private education is out of the options.

I stood at the terminal and took a deepbreathe as i click 'submit' on the ITE portal.
i enrol myself for HNitec in the EAST, and there i see my friends are not to my taste.
As most of it are either geeks or nerds and thankfully, The friends i made, are wonderful.
Talents in every each of them, learn much and gain much from them too.

Took some right and wrong choices too, till now i feel guilty for hurtin someone's heart and maybe broke it too, as all i want is attention and to forget what had happened to me before, in months time, broke up with another girl and i never felt so bad in my life, but yet again got caught up again in some crush situation where
i would just sit and admire her from afar even though shes in my class, got to speak to her, we did
school projects with each other, stayed in school and head back home together.
But its just crush and nothing else, we're just friends and learned from her a few and vice versa.

Took the opportunity to be the Designin lead in the group and all goes to plan till the day of presentation,
i did not know what came to me or what brought me to explain my product wrongly. i was proud as the Lecturer incharge gave me the full opportunity to excel in the design, but i feel dumb and useless. I screw up the presentation just by saying and explainin the wrong thing, and also i didnt got informed of how the procedures are like, but i don't blame them. i blame myself as i was the presenter that day.
Went home feelin useless.

Months passes by and i tried to forget for what had happen and took the high way in life.
Never turned up for classes/ tutorials etc. i would just think of work even though its schooling days back then, work the place where i find happiness as customers appreciate the stuffs that you did for them. Having a great Boss, who respect for everything i said and do. Never felt home then too.

Soon enough i saw my grades dropping, dropping drastically. I looked at my statements, and sigh.
But never do anything about it, why. Because i'm tired of trying. And soon before i knew it, its the end
of the 1st year and its time for Attachment.....

Got to be the Technical Assistant @ MobileOne, M1 at Jurong. How far can it be it is.
Got to know my attachment mates. Haidhar, Syaddieq, Ya Yi......
but i shall cut short....

and the name i mention, Ya Yi, known as Jasleen now, is my proudly known as my girlfriend.
:)

She is the girl that i saw in Lecture Hall, who sat behind me without her knowing, but all i could do is to see her from far as she got someone else and i was afraid it could just be another crush and i dont want to dissapoint myself either. So there i go living the high life, work.
But somehow, got to know more about her in M1,

that...
changes my life my friend,
change thinkin and open my heart
and forget about the hatred that i bare against anyone.

I still could remember of how we could just spend hours over the phone whispering sweet nothings till
its 5am in the morning and its time for school. i can still remember of how she smile at me when she walked pass my classroom and the split second of lookin at each other before other people sees us. We sms-ed, chat, shared. Lots had happen, definitely could remember she bought me my 1st birthday present from her, a ADIDAS jacket that i bluntly request, didnt thought she would buy it, but she bought it.

Shes always been there for me. i understand i broke her heart alot of time, and i refuse to apologise as i could be a stone head. In fact both of us are stone headed. Won't give up in proving we are right. i would like to thank her for being with me till now and go through my shits and stuffs. As i also know i been through hers too. We been through alot even before relationship, as she can't commit on my side due to the religion practice. But thankfully, shes able to now, i'm sorry for the hardship i cause you and thanks for being understanding and i know it cause you un-easiness at some cost, but you know i can't do anything too.

We been through alot together but i gave a few,
i know we have friends out there who is always not ready
in accepting us, mock us and even say things bad about
me/you just to break us part, but, it takes much more than just
words to break us apart. You told me i'm not the typical malay guy
that you might know, thanks as for i like it this way, and for who i am.

Alot of people/friends/outsider take me as a typical malay
and start to question you on marriage etc.
And for what you have listen to my side of story,
you know what i want and what i dream in our future.

I tell myself, so what if someone says that you will be marryin
a typical malay guy and have a typical void-deck wedding and a typical
bike as a transport. I don't care anymore.

Cause you also have to tell yourself this,
that someone dated a malay guy too, who i think
much more typical than me.

Love You, sweetheart.
xoxoxoxo

2010-06-11T16:45:00.002+08:00

Marina Barrage

design/create: Zul Hamzah

Looking forward to meeting the cousins these coming weekend. Just to chill, bask in the sun, kite flying, breeze hoggin, grass smelling, etc... Its been while since i went out with them due to some problems or maybe my irregular schedule while i WAS in NS...

i feel so weird now.
its like i gota plan what to do the next day and after....

Being an officer really put the passion in you, and sometimes i forget to tell myself that,
i HAVE already ORD. omg....

Life has so much challenge/obstacles for me. I got to chase my dreams. My career as a designer/media related field. My life as a photographer, my hobby as a avid cyclist.

I got to earn money as much as i can. Dreaming of gettin the CANON EOS 550D/50D end of 2010. Hope the dream will turn to reality.

Dream of gettin known in the riding scene. Join as much competition or race that is held.

Dreaming/Wishing/Hoping/Working to get that Class 2B license soon before August or by at least before 2010 ends due to financial tightness as always.

After that, would strive for a Class 3, definitely.
Not forgeting of settin up a mini home studio for modellin shoots/shots for friends/colleague etc. Magazine quality, maybe Products shoots, you name it.

With white color backdrop, 3point lighting. Hell.

"Lets trade shoes...."

2010-06-10T17:24:00.001+08:00

iPhone 4

For the 1st time i was amazed by Apple's iPhone. I am not a fan of iPhone though as to me,
almost all the technology inside is the same as normal high end phone, only the interactive technology is out of this world, but, however... i was astonished, by the A4 chip that were used.

Not that i am a geek in this type of thing, but i just find that APPLE had did something good after the iPad which is a total failure.
hah.!

2010-06-09T09:58:00.000+08:00

9TH JUNE 2010.

like i said earlier.....
marks the OFFICIAL DATE of my ORD.
but still i can't feel it.

Only had the mere feeling yesterday while having the so called last dinner with them till further notice.
Thanks to Pek and Gf who made it happen. Because, basically i don't wish to go anywhere, even before clock strike 2000hrs, i already at the bustop.

Theres Gf, Pek, Vin and Jeannie came along and we head for dinner@ AMK. Supposely had it at Ashton,
however it was close, so we end up @ POPEYES.

well.
thats all.........

2010-06-07T18:25:00.000+08:00

IKEA

Rush to visit IKEA, to get the table that Girlfriend wants for her room, which her sister tagged along as she also want to get hers too. We being Singaporean, must act Singaporean. So let us be the Early Bird to catch the 1st Shuttle Bus from Tampines MRT to IKEA Tampines.

And indeed, we are like the few people who are early. (WE ARE NOT KIASU) Basically theres few more people infront of us queuing for the Shuttle Bus. Hah, so THEY are the Kiasu ones....

We reach IKEA at about 930am. Abit early on the time as we plan to reach Ikea about 945am as IKEA opens at 10am. Niwae, we got in, just basically walk and stand around till the entry pole is open then we can make our way in. 

Time check was 1030am and we were abit late, as we plann to leave Ikea @ 1030am. But at 1030am we're still looking for the perfect table match.....

However, by 1110am, after munchin our so call Breakfast/Lunch, we head down to the Taxi pickup point and waited for the taxi for about 10mins. Despite our early-ness gettin the queue of gettin the cab, there aint any cab around. *blanks*

So 10mins later the cab came around and we 70km/hr zoom to Girlfriends house. Unpacked, vacuum, mop, unpacked, vacuum, vacuum, vacuum, sweat, mop, vacuum, wipe, wipe, wash....... and we are done...

BUT omg god. we have another table to fix, which is Ah Mei's.... so we do the unpacked, shift, mop, vacuum, shift, mop, mop, shift... and done....

hhhmmmmmm....... geez.

hah.!

ouh. ah mei, played magic trick on us. *piakkk*

LAME.

LOLX.

2010-06-05T21:57:00.000+08:00

ORD.

Official Date for ORD will be the 9thJune2010.
Isnt it great? Just few days to reach the end of 2years serving the nation!
But since 9th June is an Offday, my OFFICIAL date would be 8thJune instead.
but............

am i even a little bit excited?
NO, goddamnit.

It was kind enough of them to put me as Reserve throughout these days for ORD personnel,
i guess its their practice in my team.

Nevertheless,
i'm just not bit excited.

2010-06-04T19:50:00.002+08:00

haiz.

everything is clear to me, until i hit reality.
i lose it all. i lose it all.

2010-06-01T10:47:00.000+08:00

LEAVING LEAVING LEAVING LEAVING!!!

it will be out of desperation to just FUCKING leave this crap-filled house!

Full of crap, shit, whatever CRAP FUCK you can think about.

I DON'T GIVE A CRAP WHAT OR HOW YOU FEEL OKAY?!

FARK I DON'T GIVE... A ... FUCKIN.... BULLSHIT!!

YOU FEEL HURT? BULLSHIT!!

YOU APOLOGIZE TO ME? FUCKING BULLSHIT.

YOU CARE ABOUT ME?? DOUBLE FUCKING BULLSHIT!!

2010-06-01T10:40:00.000+08:00

AFTER NIGHT SHIFT!

FARK CRAP SHIT!!

I WONT' DO THE STUPID THING THAT YOU ASKED ME TO.

I WOULD DO IT ONLY ON MY FREEWILL.

SO STOP ME FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL!!

ARGH!

2010-05-31T14:43:00.000+08:00

Eminem - Beautiful

( read the lyrics and understand...)

Lyrics:
Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fucking depressed
I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
And in order for me to pick the mic back up

I don't know how or why or when
I ended up this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel dissin' again
So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet

And I know some shit's so hard to swallow
But I can't just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow

One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you'd have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others' minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others' eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything's so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check
The temperature of the room

Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that

I'm not looking for extra attention
I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of 'em ain't even funny like

Ha! Marshall you're so funny man
You should be a comedian, god damn!"
Unfortunately I am
I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip 'em, don't expect no help

Now I could've either just sat on my ass
And pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own

I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
I sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did

I just wanted to fit in
Every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

And Edna always told me
Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue tryna talk like that

'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole
At 8 years old
I learned my lesson then
'Cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more

But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin
It's probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's
Let's see if you can fit your feet

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you

So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

Yeah, to my babies
Stay strong, daddy will be home soon

And to the rest of the world
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put 'em on and wear 'em
Be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny
Don't ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Here today, Gone Tomorrow.

Heres how my emotions are. I twit, i blogged, i booked, but nothing seems to help.

Nothing that matters help. All i want now is peace and for everything to go right.

I had enough of boos and hoos, no more smiles on me that anyone can see.

Its not hard to smile, but yet i chose to frown and sigh most of the times when 

no one is looking.

I can't find the loud, laughin, free-thinkin, freedom in me anymore.

What's bothering me.

2010-05-25T16:19:00.001+08:00

If tomorrow..

It took me so much courage and deletion to send you the dozens of pages SMSes. I can't seem to express everything i need to tell you face to face. I know myself, if i were to told you everything face to face, things will just get worst and armageddon will come upon us, i don't want that. I apologize for the things i've said in those sms-es if it cause you so much pain, but somehow i need to let you know how are my emotions and feelings at the moment. You told me i never share, and this is the reason why i don't. I will end up making you hurt so badly.

But my intentions are not to let you hurt more, the sentences i told you are just purely out from my emotions and feelings. The one that you yearn to hear from me. Im sorry for hurting you, but i have no intentions or whatsoever.

Still in me, i love you as much as i do. You're the one who makes me see the world revolves around me. No other girls out there makes me feel so special. I love you so much and i can't live without. I want to settle down with the woman, who i can't live without. I'm sorry again.

Heres a song for you below.

mmmmmmmuacks.

Lyrics:

"If Tomorrow Never Comes"

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes  

2010-05-25T01:38:00.001+08:00

Me and Midnight.

The latter impression is sometimes confirmed by the Virgoan preciseness, refinement, fastidious love of cleanliness, hygiene and good order, conventionality and aristocratic attitude of reserve. They are usually observant, shrewd, critically inclined, judicious, patient, practical supporters of the status quo, and tend toward conservatism in all departments of life. On the surface they are emotionally cold, and sometimes this goes deeper, for their habit of suppressing their natural kindness may in the end cause it to atrophy, with the result that they shrink from committing themselves to friendship, make few relationships, and those they do make they are careful to keep superficial.

But the outward lack of feeling may, in some individuals born under this sign, conceal too much emotion, to which they are afraid of giving way because they do not trust others, nor do they have confidence in themselves and their judgments. This is because they are conscious of certain shortcomings in themselves of worldliness, of practicality, of sophistication and of outgoingness. So they bring the art of self concealment to a high pitch, hiding their apprehensiveness about themselves and their often considerable sympathy with other people under a mantle of matter-of-factness and undemonstrative, quiet reserve. They are still waters that run deep. Yet in their unassuming, outwardly cheerful and agreeable fashion, they can be sensible, discreet, well spoken, wise and witty, with a good understanding of other people's problems which they can tackle with a practicality not always evident in their own personal relationships.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The above are taken from the net that describe horoscope's nature.
I do feel that the theory or whatever is written above is true.

Emotions! (WARNING: PLEASE LEAVE IF FEEL OFFENDED.)
i need a rest. A rest from everything. I'm tired of thinking, i'm tired of travelling, i'm tired of doing everything!
I'm stuck at home with a farkup mum who always breathe down my neck. Such a farkup house with nothing at home. I can barely web, barely do anything else.

eksasjdpas asjdpojwoepjdasojdo[jw09e1902eui0qw[kjxs
nsdoidj0[UID-0ID-0]Qkdsojsl;mKL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHERE CAN I SPEAKUP WITHOUT HURTING ANYONE?!
EVERY SINGLE WORD I SAY WILL HURT EVERYONE WHO READS HERE.
I CANT EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS FREELY WITHOUT HURTING PEOPLE.

URGH!!!

2010-05-24T18:50:00.002+08:00

Everyday

Everyday, is a new step of life. You wake up finding yourself doing the same routine over and over again for many years. But what happen, if its time to let go and change to other environment.

Being in the National Service as the Blue uniform guy, i've seen alot of things out there that where no normal people would even expect. I somehow feel that i'm attracted to the job, but however, due to my medical condition, i could not sign up for years. When i come to think about it, i always tell myself that i want to be the guy who dons the blue uniform and handle things out there.

Thank god for fulfilling that dreams for me for 2years. And that i've gain much more experienced and opened to the WORLD out there.

I'm practically worried about my future job. Even tho my face barely shows the 'worried' sign, trust me, i feel so worried now. Lets look on the brightside. Maybe i haven't end my National Service thats why there ain't any company calling or mailing me for any interviews. But look on the downside, with my qualifications, it wont take me to the land Far Far Away.....

i'm not sure how to express my thoughts now.
im hungry.

2010-05-22T16:47:00.003+08:00

Here goes.

Got Mc for Flu and Fever. Didnt really know i got a fever till Doctor issue me the thermometer, but i didnt care how hot it was too. Past few days was really tired, i'm not quite sure what i'm tired about besides being tired in my house. geez. (hate it so much).

2days ago had deployment @ Parliament for some solemn event. Guess what, it was so nice after my night shift.
So, after my night shift with ended in the morning, i went back home, sleep for few hours, and get right back up to head for Station and be ready for deployment. Trust me, never did this kind of straight workin schedule, and i am totally fumed and frustrated and all the bad expression i can think off. But gainin experience level is indeed nice. I get to see hows the interior of the place and get to know how the event goes like.

After the Bintan Holiday, both of me and Gf's pocket are sun-dried (BROKE). As gf had her school started few days back, and me going to ORD soon. i'm not pretty sure to be jumping up for joy or be just neutral.

Resume been sending out like fire raging through the forest. i think i've send almost nearly 15 of resume total.
OMG.

Riding...
Lets talk about it, i am trying my best not to take riding that serious anymore. I mean its not like i took it serious the last time, but now i gota think twice if i gota get anything for my bike. Its not too late, i'm not young anymore, but sometimes the feelings of the breeze sweeping my face is so goodnessss..... Im tempted to get my fork and ride back. And maybe a new frame or paint mine white.

Photography.
In the midst of developing my namecards and portfolio for future use. Hope friends out there able to guide me on somewhat tips or any advice. Im open to all. Maybe could introduce me to some of your friends who loves to model? WELL no fees of course. Just for portfolio sake. :)

Holiday

Planning for another holiday with Gf or maybe with a group of friends. I want to bring my gf around the world as much as i could if i could afford. Showed sis my Bintan Picutres and told her about my trip there and how we spent. She reply that its quite expensive as we didnt do much. Well, me and Gf had made alot of research and theories. You see, Bintan if you were to think about it, has Watersports, Facilities, but some resort dont. So sister was comparing Harris Resort (no pun intended), to my Bintan Trip. (2D1N). She told us she only spend below S$200 and she got 3hours of massage package including breakfast, lunch, dinner. Thats all.

So i told her part of my story. we spent extimated about S$600 for both of use. (Including Tickets,Tax etc). Ferry was good and mid end class even tho it say Economy Class. We had rode the ATV, which i think Harris doenst have. We had fine dining for dinner,(Local food @ Harris), Crystal Clear sea water!! (You can see your own feet in them!) Soft White sands, In-Room 1hr massage. Dining by the Pool, ALL-I-CAN-EAT Breakfast on departure day.

we don't really need breakfast nor lunch on our 1st day of arrival, as when we reach its already noon and after the activities we played, its time for dinner nicely. (Time spend planned by me. :p )

AND...
Definitely, the rooms in Bintan Resort are better looking. heee

and now...
Girlfriend is eyein on the Nirwana Garden Resort. Abit more expensive then Bintan Lagoon, but the hotel rooms, facilities is OMG. do search for Nirwana Garden if you guys are curious.
And i hope, after i get my job and settle down, trying hard to save for TAIWAN with Pete. Pete, if you're reading this, "We will plan this alright! we gona go HUNGRY GHOST there! FOOD MUST TRY!!"

Nirwana Garden Resort 

Well, thats about it, sorry about the lengthy post.

Its been long.

see you guys,

2010-05-19T17:01:00.002+08:00

New/Old

Hey, just re-templated my blogskin. wanted the whole-white-color view at such change to this.
Its kinda boring yea i know. My old blogskin too. Nevertheless... i ONLY have 3 links now.

As i forget to save the links, i hope you guys able to pass me your links thru MSN.
thank you!.

Btw, BINTAN trip pictures been uploaded to my Facebook and my PhotoBlog (Recreatetheworld).

Do check it out yea.
Home is boring.

2010-05-05T11:35:00.002+08:00

mdoskmckasndconaokas

feel so drop damn tired.
i applied for my claim off 2days ago,
and its gone just like that.

today my official 2nd off, and decide
to head out for some landscape pictures
but however i felt the drain in my energy after i woke up.
warm weather, throat pain, running nose.
omg.

totally dont like the feeling.
i just want to rest. rest. rest!

i pretty much never do anything,
but i feel that im working for boredoms!
HOMG.

been so much thinking been done in my head
but no one able to see it. sigh.

2010-05-03T16:16:00.003+08:00

:)

it will be the change i'll make for myself.
frankly speaking its not change, but just something
different for few months before i gotmyself settling down.

what i want now is to make her happy.

:)

2010-04-12T21:27:00.002+08:00

all are fake!

i just cant wait to go home and blog.
and right now, finally ive reach home (even tho its not a good thing)
work was fine and everything. i got sarcasticly screwed and i swear i curse
the mothafucker deep down in my heart. i hope karma eats that turtled-neck guy.
and seriously how i wish to laugh at him at what he deserves! fark face.

so i was in the van doing some work.
i receive a sms from someone...

saying thanks for all the allowance money,
may god bless me etc....
and the last part i remember...
what a joke. it reads "i love you my son"

FARK IT OKAY.
SAYING ALL THIS BECAUSE YOU HAVE RECEIVE MONEY FROM ME.
TAKE INSTANCE IF I DIDNT GIVE YOU YST. YOU WILL KEEP BLABBERIN
OVER AND OVER AGAIN. ALL I CAN SEE IS THAT WHEN I GIVE YOU THE $$$, THEN
ONLY I CAN HEAR THOSE GOOD WORDS FROM YOU. WHATEVER STILL,
I DONT GIVE A SHIT, ALL ARE JUST WORDS. PLEASEEE....

IM NOT EASY TO PLEASE WITH ALL THE SHITS!
ITS ALL BEEN PLAYED OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE A BAD RECORD.
ITS SO BORING. SAY GOD BLESS ME EVERYTHING... YEA FARK.
LIKE I SAY, YOU SAY ALL THIS BECAUSE YOU HAD MY MONEY!

DAMN FCUK!!
YOU STILL CONSIDER ME AS A SON?! YA RIGHT!
TOLD ME NOT TO MISUNDERSTAND HER CONCERNS IN ALL THE MESSAGES
THAT SHE SEND....

D'OH! THAT IS SHIT, PURE SHIT!
HOW ABOUT NOT TO MISUNDERSTAND MY ACTIONS?!?!

I DONT CARE. YOU ARE YOU.
AND ME ARE ME.

WHO ARE YOU TO ME?
I DONT.... GIVE.... A...... DUMB FARK!!

UARGhJKSHADKJANSDASNDKJSANDIJSANFINIONMSADSA
FDSV
DSF
VDSFVBKDSFBVS\DFBV
SDFVSD!!!!

2010-04-09T12:08:00.002+08:00

Selena Gomez - Naturally

Miranda Cosgrove - Leave it all to me

another Disney character turn from acting to singin.
Selena Gomez, Miranda Cosgrove

now the song is in m head over and over again....

2010-04-09T09:37:00.001+08:00

Marz Dirt Jam *SNAP!

okay. so here are the pictures.

notice the 1st pic i was airing while doing the 180.

and after i land, hard. the thing just snap.

thank god my wheels are okayyy!!

2010-04-08T22:31:00.001+08:00

this is sad.

but i dunoe how to express it.
my fork (front suspension) broke on me.
yup, it really broke. the lower part of the fork just snap
after me doing several 180s.

so speechless now. *sigh haiz*
sighs, thats all i can say.

haiz.

2010-04-05T14:18:00.004+08:00

Canon Reviewing

CANON EOS 50D review. $1.8k

CANON EOS 550D review. $1.4k

above are the DSLRs that capture my tiny but absolutely
BIG on creating perfect pictures of my life.

been around to most of the electronics stores to view the products
myself and tried it out.

as to belief to my own judgement, NIKON was abit failure to me.
it didnt manage to capture the flexibility of my fingers on some settings,
or maybe i'm used to Canon's DSLRs....

But that won't stop me from gettin the NIKON D5000 series too.
will be searching for more NIKON reviews soon.

Till then....

2010-04-04T23:56:00.003+08:00

why do i even bother.

seriously.
why do i even bother to even think of home.
after every shift, people looks forward to go home,
have dinner and spend time with their families.
all of it, that is part of me, gone. all gone.

after every 12hrs of work,
i'll be dead tired. but no matter
how dead tired i am. i will try my best
to avoid going home straight from home.

i'm getting tired of staying at home every single day.
theres a reason to it. and people wont understand what
i'm facing unless they're in my shoes.

the feeling of having a happy and peaceful
family, will never come true.

i say it once, and i will say it again.
i HATE my family.

i asked myself, what would jesus do.

2010-03-30T15:11:00.003+08:00

Fullbike Release!

got the software installed in my comp, like finally.

thankfully, it worked fine.

in desperate of a camera now.

but i manage to sneak on the SONY CYBERSHOT W55 to

snap the above picture in 3:2 ratio.

after uploading it to the blog,

i realise, the camera has the 16:9 features.

geez!! urgh.

nevertheless, i create my world.

i recreathetheworld.blogspot.com!

heee

and as usual, click picture to Enlarge!

2010-03-29T18:07:00.002+08:00

windows live.

had planned to ride in the afternoon.
but it rain.

when im having off days, and able to ride,
noone can ride, noone can go out,
and best of all, it rains.

and im stuck at home till girlfriend meets me at amk.

2010-03-26T17:32:00.003+08:00

Hey guys!

Do check out my photo journal soon.
So far its under construction as i am collating all the pictures.

Making a FULL HD picture experience!
So, do check out the space ya!!

Lifestyle, Weddings, Gathering, Sports and so much more!!

Follow me at . . . .
http://recreatetheworld.blogspot.com/

See You There!!

2010-03-19T23:18:00.002+08:00

calm yourself . . . .

each day pass me slow in the day and too fast in the night.
when i'm at work at times, i wished i could be my way home,
but however, when i'm at home, i rather be at work.

come to realise that, i prefer my workin place then home.
i don't know why, but with the colleague of mine around me,
i can laugh at their stupidity and just having fun talking to them.
but jobscope sucks tho. . . .

i thought i would just sit and stare at the computer and watch our world
crumble early afternoon just now. but however, my aim just now
was to clear as many as i could.

with alot of paperwork and filings to do, and phone keep on ringin
almost none stop, i manage to cool myself down.

i don't know what to do after i end work,
met up with pete and just walk and talk at central.

because im sick of going home . . . .
its gettin worst.
sigh

2010-03-18T14:59:00.003+08:00

Life aint smthing innocent

what else?
what else?
what else?

so now i have to think of my actions?
so practically its, again, my fault for
being the fark up being at home.

so my actions i have to re-think again?
fark.

its because of YOU, i behave like this.
its because of YOU, i can't sleep.
its because of YOU, i'm like this okay.

so your reason is i'm being a rebellious son at home.
so rude being and make you as my enemy.
mind you, i dont make you as my enemy.
its YOU, who put it upon yourself.

again..? what you say?
you feel sad that i gave you the cold shoulder?
damn it alright. how about living in this house
for almost 23years filled with your farkin negativeness.

you think so unreasonable of your son,
YOU don't trust him,
YOU don't believe him.

if so WHY can't i do it to you to.
YOU easily put my GF involve over small things.
Even when my GF is innocent.
and i HATE THAT!!

YOU PULL MY GF INTO OUR DISPUTE,
THAT IS BY FAR I CAN TOLERATE.
WHAT AGAIN?? MY GF INFLUENCE ME?

FARK YOU OKAY!
IF YOU AS A MOTHER DON'T EVEN KNOW
YOUR OWN SON, OR TRUST YOUR OWN SON,
BE SHAMEFUL CALLING YOURSELF A MOTHER.

WHAT?
SINCE I GOT MYSELF A GF I'VE CHANGED??
I'VE CHANGED?

OUH SO I'VE CHANGED.
ITS BECAUSE OF YOU I'VE CHANGED THIS WAY.
IF YOU COULD JUST LET ME DO MY THINGS AND STOP INTRUDIN
MY FRIGGIN PRIVACY, I CAN JUST FORGET WHATEVER HAPPEN.
I JUST DONT WANT YOU TO INVADE MY THINGS.

HUH?!
I'VE BEEN PUT INTO A SPELL.
LIKE WHAT?
HOW ABOUT YOU?

HUH!
EVER SINCE YOU KNEW YOUR FRIEND AT THE MARKET,
YOU'VE BEEN IGNORING ALL THE WORK AT HOME,
NOMORE COOK FOOD AT HOME, NO MORE MOTHER TO ME EITHER.!!

i see, still its my fault.

I ASKED MYSELF, 'WHAT WOULD JESUS DO'

2010-03-15T23:08:00.002+08:00

URGH!!!

I HATE THIS FARKING HOUSE !!!!

2010-03-15T16:35:00.004+08:00

THANKS BAOBEI for the gifts!!

heeee. really like the shoe and

the cross stitch you made for me!

heeee.. now i got smthing to hang on the wall

from you!

mmmmuacksss!

had dinner as promised to brother

at Simpang Bedok. The picture

missin out 'KAK JAN' lol.

Kak Jan is actually Ah Mei lah, GF sis....

i scared she camera shhyy....

hahaa.

the last 2 photos of the lego bricks is for GF laupo, Anaaaa.

heres the example of the focusing of frontal object and background object.

i dunoe how to explain to you anymore. hahhahaa..

baobei, you got any camera/photographin things that you dont know?

can ask me lei...

heeee..

ouh, my Friend, Mr Peter bought a SONY HX1 camera!

well should be...

now waiting to get my hands of it to create a beautifull world.

wahahah.

2010-03-12T14:11:00.003+08:00

say a prayer

the world spins a little too fast.
i cant evaluate or summarise whats
happening to my ownself, myself.

sleepless nights been awhile now, again.
what was i thinkin or analizing?

what was i wondering?
is it so bad that i can't even express it
to other people but to just eat the
bitterness of the sorrow alone?

theres nothin' one can do.
i'm so highly dissapointed in myself.
dissapointed in all the things i do.
dissapointed how i live my life.
dissapointed in everything.

now coming to realise that,
no matter what, theres always
a space of emptiness in our heart and soul.

i picture myself walking aimlessly,
with flashbacks of memories.
i'm still scavengin for the thing in my life.

i picture a bright background surroundings,
and with grayscales on me.

i took a breath, took it deep.
try to calm myself.
lifes a game, make it quick.
no time to think, my turn to go.

i blame myself for her.
i feel sorry for being the one.
the one, who never took care of her.
the one who didnt heed her advice,
the one who didnt share everything with her,
the one who didnt let her listen to my heart,
the one who didnt adhere her,
the one who didnt think that all of this will happen one day.

i'm terrified of myself.
still, i love you

2010-03-09T22:13:00.005+08:00

ridesucks.

totally.
i was hype up the whole night shift to end as my urge to ride.
end shift at around 830am and head for breakfast at canteen
with the usual cliques.

head home got on bed and i can just fall asleep,
but however i felt as tho its been soo long i didnt
login to Facebook.

in the end i fall asleep like a baby...
so soundly.

and initially was woken up by nothing, but i set
my alarm at 4pm which it didnt ring or i was too deep in sleep.
but soon i woke up, Ken msg me for ride as i told him to hit me
if he is riding...

and brother msg me at the same time too,
asking whether he can play the iTouch.

but riding was so dissapointed.
i didnt know is it because i was sooo sleepy or the hype
just went dead!

sucks.
nearly had a bad fall due to landin on rear wheel while on air.
geez....

well, cant wait to meet GF tmr!
hehehehe!!

2010-03-08T15:25:00.003+08:00

16:9 BikeCheck Photoshoot

HOMG.

just loving the color contrast of the frame man.

using MotherNature's lighting can never be better!

slurrrrpy tangerine!!

heeee..

Night Shift tonite.

yawns!

2010-03-05T23:29:00.003+08:00

untitled.

take the gun and count to three.

till then you can see my heart beating through my chest.

sad.

2010-03-05T10:44:00.008+08:00

Silence.
*WARNING: SUPER DUPER LONG POST*

its been a hectic week for me.
even tho i have my mcs, offdays, i find it not enough at all.
seriously, who had enough of off days?
noone...

Been in a really deep thinkin mode this few days.
Home as usual being the most boredoms place ever.
The Mother and i wasnt really in a talking mood.

Even if she does, i dont feel i wana talk.
Had enough of her naggins and controls over my life.
Geez, im 22 and i need my own space.

Shes just being over react over issues of relationship and some
sexual topics. I think TV channels such as SURIA/SENSASI and
the MALAY newspaper BERITA HARIAN are being so bias shit.

They keep stressin about teenagers problems,
of how parents should lookout for tell-tale signs,
of how teenagers act, what tyoe of friends are your teenagers mixing with.
This type of topic in the media might sound good to educate the Young and Brainless,
but please. I believe, i do need my own chance to make my own decisions and take
responsibility of my own life. No matter how i live, its my life.
The media keep showing of how to teach their children and educate them.
But they forget of how to teach to LISTEN to their children instead of
blabberin the same old thing over and over again.

If you take for instance, the documentary about HANYUT, was a huge hit,
as it shows of how young teenagers are being drift away in the 'high life'.

Take another show again, ANAK METROPOLITAN, yesh, it shows education
etc, but, i still feel theres a missing part in those shows besides showing a 'next door kinda girl'
in the scene.

and recently take another show titled TESTIMONI, where young celebrities tell their life stories
while their in the teens, of how peer pressure/casual sex came along.

You see, it gets bored when the whole topic is soooooo stressin about sex.
but still the society aint listenin to any of the topic. wasted isnt it.
And aunties are being soooooo paranoid about their children, making me,
the victim as well.
Basically i got alot to rant about my HOME, but i realise i could type a 'Harry Porter' series
if i were to continue....

I'm goin to ORD soon and i seriously feel the stress already upon my shoulder.
its not that i am not used to having a workin life before, but i feel, everything will be different
from ORD-ing onwards. My ORD-ed friend talk to me at work just now saying he miss everything here, even tho its only been 1day of ORD-ed. I mean i feel that he misses how things going on around being in the blue uniform.

I started to miss the good people who i mix with too, with YL been transfered, i already felt
empty at work with her. I mean, she can be a good WPO with alot of experience around her belt,
shes the one who teach me almost everything and didnt get angry if i didnt know anything. misses her tho. and soon ima miss Chan, Jeannie, Pek, Ariffin and those who i am close to at work. Hope we will be in contact once i ORD-ed. But i always believe that my ORD is still long even tho its like 3months from now. sigh. i should be happy, but i feel lost at times.

Plannin a trip with dearest-wife-to-be, to PULAU REDANG. But due to some schedule etc,
we decided to set back and relax at BINTAN. Shes been dreaming to head there, with me. And i gota try my best to fulfill that even tho if there is some conflicts at home. Just want her to be happy and spend time with her more even tho my time will be sacrifice.

August would soon be coming and that will marks my 1year of tryin to pass my 2b license,
i gota try hard on the practical and theory to finish my 2B course and get a bike soon i start
a working life.

And as promise, i would be driving wife around with a car, so im sure after 2B, class 3 will emerge soon. Im tyring to prepare a schedule for class3, no matter what.

I feel theres alot of things for me to accomplist in my life, with so little time with so little assets.
With so much thinkin, i think my face is gettin an outbreak with pimples, to state, i already have
5 newly born on my face and a few small ones at the back of my head. As usual, when im on stress this little guys will pop up.

haiz.....

2010-03-03T17:04:00.002+08:00

To: Girlfriend

i didnt mean to hurt you in those words that i told you.
you have to believe in yourself and dont do favors for others.

i want you to learn more, not because of me or others,
but for yourself. i am happy that you're enrolling yourself
in the EARLY CHILDHOOD program.

i told my colleauge that i might be signing that up as i like to teach toddlers too,
but their reaction is laughter and sarcastic remarks.
You see, people laughs and make remarks of us. Sometimes,
its not about the topic that make them laugh.

Sometimes its just in their head laughin at our stupidity or foolishness.
But what they are laughin at is actually the pain of seeing us success.

i want you to believe in yourself. No matter what you do.
You told me before that too right....
You see what i did with my bike? i manage to make and accomplish the
180turn!

You see! Because, whenever i feel like giving up, i tell myself...
"baobei say i can do it, and i CAN do it!"
Seriously, i do this everything i practice my 180 at skatepark.

Sound stupid? Nope.
If it leads to success, why does it have to sound stupid.

So what if people laugh at you having a malay boyfriend but not able to
speak English? Do You know that your english and spelling improves?
I dont say this to make you happy, but HONESTLY, it does improve.

i dont care whoever read my blog and prove me wrong or whatever.
You, My Girlfriend, and my ONLY one.... i know you More than others.
I see, listen, do things with you more than others....

But hey, dont be shy to laugh at our very own mistakes.
no matter how stupid. LAUGH it out. rather than just sit in a corner and do nothing.

People learn from mistakes.
i DID.

People scold you for mistakes, let them scold, but....
dont ever, i say ever let the scolding in your heart.
"Dont take it personal." like what i used to tell myself at times.

I know at times we always find ourselves useless..
i told you that too... but you still carry me and pull me along in my life..

You know how i face problems at home, work etc.....
But im still breathing.....
because i have you.

Now i want you to breathe in!
Close your eyes and Take Over the world like a mad woman!!

YOU GO GIRL !
I BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT !

2010-03-02T23:38:00.002+08:00

Home

the topic always comes back again and again.
staying home really bores me.

its not about nothing to do.
its about being here, at home, and yet, the feeling
is so different.

get to talked to girlfriend of my idea staying in a different
house. i'm not searchin for a family here please, but i'm searching
for something better.

i want my own life. okay, who doesnt. i want to do things on my own.
i just had enough of whatever i am facing now.

im tired of being at home.
the hate of stayin home is growing every single day.

haiz.
*theres no pictures to express of how i feel now.*